Overcoming Self-Sabotage: Being a Mindful Mommy
There can be so many expectations that women place on themselves in the realm of mothering. Who wouldn’t want to have it all; well behaved, healthy children, meaningful work that earns a good living wage, a tidy home, organic, locally raised foods prepared for your family each day that you grew yourself, time to connect with friends, time for romance, deep experiences of nature, and the ability to run a marathon (or at least fit back into the clothes you wore before you had kids)? We start out with the best of intentions, and then sabotage ourselves by letting expectations take over, and that leads to parenting from a place of inadequacy, and an overwhelming feeling of not being enough.
The truth is, what we do day in and day out is how we LIVE. No one intends to live from a place of scarcity and fear of not being enough, but if those are the mantras and focus of the lens you are seeing your life through, that is exactly what is happening. In this mode, we seek more and more outside of our selves, thinking the key to success lies in something that can come from someone else. Perhaps we look to the people around us in frustration that they are not helping more, which puts a strain on our relationships. The things that once brought enjoyment are no longer so thrilling when we live an overwhelmed life.
If we realize as moms that looking outside for the support and nurturance we need is self sabotage because it leads to fragmentation on so many levels, then it follows that the opposite would bring a more cohesive approach to daily living. By this, I mean turning inside, and spending a little time getting to the root of why we make certain choices, and what really matters. Having a short daily practice of checking in with ourselves can prove to be the keystone habit that allows other, healthier habits to fall into place. Small positive habits allow us to shape and evolve our identity. We can shift from being an overwhelmed mother, to being an easeful mother by beginning a mindfulness practice just a few minutes a day.
Okay, you might call it a meditation practice, and that might be so difficult to get past, so let’s just call it sitting in silence. We are not monks who have separated from worldly matters to attain some sort of otherworldly union with divinity. We are women who clean up other people’s crap (lovingly), and we have no choice about whether or not we do it, but we do have a choice about what the implications are for ourselves and our families. I am by no means advocating that one person take on all of the parenting duties herself, but rather that we take a little bit of time each day to let go of negative emotion and feel gratitude for the amazing journey we are on.
How to get started? Maybe you have had a meditation practice in the past that fizzled out, but you are not the same person you used to be, and perhaps that approach is no longer serving your needs. So many methods are “focus” approaches where there may be counting, or breathing, or chanting to bring the mind to a single point of “stillness.” There is another, more “feminine” approach which is an experiential approach. The excerscise is just to become receptive as you let go and sense what is, allowing our consciousness to expand with awareness. New theories suggest short practices to be more effective. One teacher starts students meditating for just one minute a day for a month, and then adding another minute each month in an attempt to create a potent and very accessible practice.
From my own experience, I would recommend either sitting for a few moments upon arising in the morning, before the “to do list brain” kicks in, followed by stepping outside for a few deep breaths, and a short walk if you can fit it in. If your mornings are too busy, and waking up 5 minutes earlier is nor doable for you, try taking a few moments sitting upright in bed before going to sleep, releasing the day, and offering gratitude. Make it a game. Set up your own 21 day challenge, or join one online. If you're a techie person, download the free app "Insight Timer," which tracks your progress.
As we work with expanding our awareness, and get a hit of the immensity of consciousness, we begin to experience having plenty of room for ourselves in our lives rather than being boxed in. Gradually, we can approach our situations with spaciousness, and from a place of abundance.
A mindfulness practice will develop over time, and the habit will gain traction in your everyday life if you make it simple and doable. Habits are automated behaviors, and so there is no need to take up your brain power and time deciding whether or not to do it every day. Reward yourself by placing a gold star on your calendar every day you visit your mindfulness practice, and you will begin to see some affirming results. Studies have also shown that meditation slows the aging process, enhances the immune system, and improves focus, which just may counter a bit of that sleep deprivation! As you evolve your new identity, some of the expectations you were holding yourself to in the past may fall away, and you may find more creative ways to make tasks more efficient. Creating a simple daily mindfulness practice is a free, gentle and loving way to take care of your family by taking care of yourself.
